I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
