Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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