just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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