Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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