my shit smells like andre
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
