Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
