my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
