so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
