you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
