I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
