Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
