brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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