i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Randomize
