guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
