It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
it was like eating out sand paper
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
