we have officially lost it.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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