Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
