It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
