apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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