I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
