turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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