I was born with a shot glass in my hand
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
