ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
