party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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