i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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