I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
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I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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