I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
