So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
When did angry sex become our thing?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
