OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Randomize
