There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
