Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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