I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Randomize
