guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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