I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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