When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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