i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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