I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
