Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
