if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Who died my cat blue again?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
