Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
