Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
