My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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