Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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