It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
