I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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