who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
me + whiskey = a bad person
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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