Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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