hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
