Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
