Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
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