I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Randomize
