Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
