there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
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