Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
