So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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