the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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