i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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