Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
