i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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