Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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