Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
